Magical Love

It’s not this grand scheme to get people to love more or anything like that.  It’s just me sharing how my life is my living expression.  I write stream of consciousness, thoughts flowing in and out of my head like random conversations.

This all started last year Sept. 20th 2007 when my dad was admitted to Barnes Jewish Hospital and little did I know then it was his last two weeks of life.  I never knew how big I could love until this moment and I wanted to keep it flowing so I decided to challenge myself by staying connected to magical love for 100 days.

Here is my journey.  I hope it inspires you in some way to love deeper.

Ben went deep into his space today.  He labeled it self-loathing.  Bless his heart.

As I watch his process trying hard to be an observer I speculate on whether Ben punishes himself when life doesn’t go as planned.  He was going after a part of his dream and it fell apart.

In the wake of the disappointment he projected his disappointment onto us and it took the form of anger.

Even though this happens I usually let it but this time a certain miracle was happening in me.  I actually stood up to this energy finally loving me more than wanting to fix his disappointment.  I said, I love you but will not allow you to abuse your power with me or the children.  I got to say what I really wanted to say to my own dad.  This time I decide how I want to be treated.

Before I started this 100 days of love thing I had a session with a medium who can talk to dead people.  I talked to my father for two hours and he confirmed what I already knew on some level his passing was going to give me the gift of unconditional love.  I’ve been wearing this Hebrew bracelet and my dad said we are connected by the 5th charm.  The 5th charm represents unconditional love.

I’m receiving my fathers gift.

Well it’s been a fun day.  Francesca had her 5th Birthday Party at the Hairy Elephant, a girls dream come true.  The girls get to dress up, get their hair put up, make-up and nails.  They looked precious.

Francesca had 4 outfit changes.  Her friends were wondering why she kept changing and I had to remind them, variety is the spice of life.

Ben seems upset so I asked him, what’s up?  He said he didn’t sleep and doesn’t know what direction his life is going.  Instead of trying to fix it (my usual) I decided I’d try something different, "you’ll be ok Honey and you always figure it out."

He said, "that’s just what I needed to hear."

Francesca was met with rejection by Piper.  She kept trying to love on her and Piper kept saying, "No sissy."  And Francesca would respond, "I just want to love you."

I asked Francesca to think of this place in her heart for Piper and how much she loves her and then try and kiss her.  It worked and Piper let her kiss her.  I love when things work.

I forget how much I love being the one Piper comes to when her world is sideways.  Ben raised his voice to her and she dropped her head and came running to me.  I hugged her.  Ben and Piper are alike in some ways.  They are passionate and extreme and unbelievably loving.  Passion can move into compassion.  Love, giving it and receiving it should be honored and practiced as a mode of communication.  We don’t always have to be so quick to figure things out in our head.

As a family discussion we talked about anger and why it’s a good thing.  It lets us know we are having a problem that needs to be felt and maybe addressed.  When you get anger you get to do make-ups and re-dos.  You can go back and try it again and say it the way you truly wanted.

I know we can’t always do this but it would be nice if we could give considerate attention to the way we feel about something before we lash out and if we do go back sit in a kind and gentle space with yourself and then do a re-do.            

I’m a General Hospital fan even more so a Liason fan (jason and liz).  Today Jason and Elizabeth hook up.  I’ve been patiently waiting for 10 years for these characters to be together.  They finally sealed their love with a night of passion and then NOTHING.  I actually called the GH fan hot line and let them have it.  Who knows if it will help but my voice deserves to be heard.

The Pulse of My Day…….

Ben graciously got up with the girls this morning, fed them and took them to school.  I laid in bed wondering should I get up?  Do they need me? Is it ok I’m doing this?  Do the girls think I love them?  I had no idea how guilty I feel when I take time for myself and the guilt overrides my space of joy and happiness.  If I have these feels deeply rooted in me then it’s possible I wouldn’t notice when I really do need a break and it’s even more possible I would transfer those feelings of guilt over to them. 

I mean I would make them feel bad about bothering me.  I would make them feel guilty for needing my attention.

So what to do if anything…..

This has been brewing in me for some time now.  Francesca plays this out with me needing my attention horribly right at the time I need attention from myself.  She has a hard time being alone.  She needs me and now it’s clear why.  I haven’t taught myself to take a break and honor the rhythm inside of me.  What is the need?  To be loved really, if I’m with them I feel love and value.  If she is with me she feels love and value.  Do I feel the same sense of love and value for me from me.

Today I have to walk the road of giving and receiving authentic love to myself. 

Can I overcome my guilt with love for me today?

The LOVE ROAD

Holding Ben in the love, my husband is a brilliant man.  He was mentioning how he was seeing universal truths while watching the Olympics. I said to him you’re so brilliant you should write about these truths.  It made him happy and then it made me happy. 

Today I’m going to practice holding my space of love.  I’m scared and wondering if I’ll succeed.  My biggest fear is not being capable of sharing the deep love I have.

Tonight I went to the depth of my despair and told Ben (husband of 11 years) "I’m done dreaming."  I just get discouraged when I think something is going to happen and it doesn’t.  I’m done thinking anything bigger for myself then this.  Ben’s reply, "is this so bad."

I really didn’t know how to respond and decided the best response was a honest one, "its not bad but it’s not fully what I want."

I got to thinking about this response and I mean really thinking, is this a pattern for me?  Even if I get everything I want would it be enough and once I got it would I be happy or would I begin the process immediately over striving for a bigger better dream.  It would be one thing if I enjoyed this process and maybe I do but right now I have attachments. I’m not satisfied.  I have a need to be more.  I believe the answer to my process is found in two words space and love.

I’m giving myself a test.  I am going to create my future by what I think in the present.  I’m doing a re-do on myself, a mind make over, a mind make over where love is what fills my space.

It’s a tall order really because just the other day when I was having a massive fight with Ben I felt punished.  Feeling punished is a belief for me and it’s not a loving belief.  A loving belief is when I feel punished I walk away and in walking away I use my resources on how to calm down and respond to myself in love and to the person I am engaged in the struggle with.  I take care of me and show myself love when I do this.

Examples of holding love:

1.  My daughters go the same school but different buildings and have to be there at the same time.  One of my kids is going to be late for school.  Today when I picked up my oldest daughter the teacher said we are going to have to charge you for dropping Francesca off early.  WHAT?  I’m paying extra for a schedule the school set up.  I felt the confusion the school was facing and decided to hold the love instead.

LOVE LOVE…….

I thought what is most loving thing I can do for my family in this situation?

-Not buy into the madness

-Take Francesca to school late

-Make sure someone receives her if the class is not in the classroom

-Take Francesca with me to drop off Piper and it would be perfect because it’s Piper’s first year of school and having her sister would comfort her.

I decided to stay true to myself, not pay for early drop off and have Francesca be late.  The next day the teacher stated she made a mistake and dropping off kids who have timing conflicts is alright they will accommodate. 

Just so you know, in the past I would have paid and been bitter.  I would have worked myself up over the injustice.  I would have wasted space filling it with anger. 

Holding the love Part 11:

Francesca took her shoes off in my car.  I asked her to pick them up she said NO.  I said YES and then the power struggle began. I was angry.  I stopped the power struggle by disengaging with her, picking up her shoes and taking them in the house.  After we calmed down I said to her, I brought your shoes in for you.  If you’d like to take your shoes off in the car that’s ok but you will be responsible for bringing them in or you will keep your shoes on in the car.  Our power struggle and outcome felt loving to me. 

I’m filling the present space with this, BE LOVE in all moments with all situations with all people.

My heart truly wants to express love.  I thought to myself yesterday of today was my last day would I be happy with how much I loved.  Would I be filled by the love I left behind?

NO!  I’m not living the fullness of my love not for myself or others.  Don’t we all want to know we are loved for who we are no matter what? And don’t we aspire to love others no matter what?  I may be the only one but I don’t think so.

I place restrictions on my love.  I withdraw when I feel threatened.  My throat closes when I feel victimized and I long to be as much love everyday as I feel on the inside. 

Today is a new day for me.  I’ve chosen out of my free will to learn, live and experience life from this place of unconditional love.

I’m going to share with you how the day has unfolded so far and how many opportunities we get to choose love.  Here are three I’ve encountered before 1:30pm.

1.  I’m working out in the basement and my 5 year old is up in her bedroom doing her alone time.  No sooner do I have the DVD ready to go do I hear her coming down the stairs.  My nervous system automatically reacts and I don’t even know what she wants.  I immediately feel out of control and my mind starts blabbing at me.  She is going to ask you questions, and create situations where she needs you.  We have this alone time drill down perfectly even the imperfections.  She asks, Londin wants to know if I can play?  I decide not to talk to her and pat her head instead (trying something different).  Mom, why aren’t you talking to me? and then I SNAP.

Remember I’ve been involved in my head with her way before she started speaking to me.

I look at her with fury in my eyes raise my fists and clinch indicating to her with my non-verbal’s I’ll make you understand why I’m not talking to you.  I have now turned into angry bitchy mommy.

Question to self:  How is this love?  Am I loving myself and her to my potential in this moment?  It’s not a judgement on me it’s a question.  If my quest is to be love then I need to ask LOVE questions.  I have to remind myself not to go to this place of being made wrong and I have a higher purpose here in this moment.  I’m still not talking because now she is afraid to talk to me and I finish my workout.  I’m irritated with myself believing I got hijacked and mommy dearest has taken my place.

Now I’m done with what I intended to do and Francesca’s alone time is over. 

I asked her, can I talk to you?  She answered yes innocently and from the tone in her voice she had already forgiven me.  

Here comes the love part, listen I didn’t honor our agreement.  I’m not going to go into the details here however I did remind her of the agreement.  She said she didn’t want to do alone time and why does she have to?  I said, I want alone time to do whatever I want and I love alone time.  You get a chance to be by yourself, to create, grow and feel what its like to be alone.  I didn’t honor our agreement and now I feel frustrated what should we do?  Her response, we keep the agreement and if we don’t do our part then we start over.  

My intention was to be love and I found love even in the midst of feeling out of control.  I really didn’t think I could do it.  I feel successful.

2.  Stopped at my favorite sub shop, got my favorite sandwich and ate it at my favorite park.

3.  Wiggled into my pre-pregnancy jeans FINALLY and had them hemmed and wore them.

Victory, I love myself.   

I can’t remember where I heard this and it’s worth repeating, "when you find something you love you have to be willing to watch it grow."

Day 1 really starts on 11/2/07 when I wrote in my journal the month after my dad died.

Life is so beautiful.  In a rare moment of stillness I received the ultimate gift, unconditional love realized, received and accepted.  My dad’s death has changed me.  People said it would but until you go through it you don’t know how except you feel more pain and loss but there are many gifts as well. 

The landscape of who I am and how I describe myself changed in 5 seconds flat.  I can only acknowledge this transformation with the words unconditional love.

It took my dad 67 years to get the meaning of life and fortunately for him he did.  He said he was complete and he was and I thought what else is there for us.  There isn’t going to be long days of wondering if I said everything, if he did.  I wasn’t going to have to fill space with I wish I would of or I could of’s.   He was right we were complete except for one thing, unconditional love.  I felt my dad’s unconditional love for me at my core in the last year of his life and now I would have to choose it for myself. 

Because of the moment I had with my dad I thought I can do this unconditional love, it’s easy, I was being blissfully ignorant because this moment was so pure and it made me believe my task was possible.

This is the moment etched on my soul for eternity…………..

There my dad was lying in bed vulnerable and scared on the verge of dying.  There I was standing beside him trying to choke back tears and putting on a brave face.  I felt like I had to be strong and show him it was ok to leave.  The truth was we were both hiding our secret pain of loss impending. 

My inner voice kept saying to me days before this moment lay in bed with him.  It wasn’t an unusual request I cuddled with my dad all the time but this time was different because it was the last time, it had the feeling of being so final to me, and final was impossible to bear.  I got over it and crawled in bed and laid my heart to rest on his heart and his arms enfolded me in a tender embrace.  I felt 2 years old again or maybe I just wished I was then I wouldn’t be loosing him.

I could feel the rhythm of his heart pulsating through me.  For a moment our hearts were one beating together in perfect harmony.  He pulled me up off his chest.  He was lifeless and I was impaled with impossible grief yet this man who had no strength left lifted me up so I could see his eyes.  There were no words exchanged yet we said everything.  His stare said, I love you, I know you and I surround you now and forever with my love for you.  I never felt so loved, accepted and cherished by dad more than right then. This moment cemented a bond between us and it was literally life changing, words diminish the experience the love exchanged was profound. 

This blog is a tribute to my dad, a tribute to unconditional love and the journey of its truth.  What I had with him in those 5 seconds I want everyday and so this is my journey of choosing unconditional love for me.